I'm moving

To my new blog, Pardes Bloggers Unite. Haven't figured out if I will still be here, too, or what it will be, but I just wanted to plug for all of you joining that and reading about the collected adventures of three of us from cohorts 7 and 8. That will be dedicated to my "Teaching Moments" and other fun stuff, so I hope you will continue to enjoy over there...

Miss Swamp in the supply closet

Today my class of 4 was rotten. They were the best, until last week when the one on medication went on a new one, he started cursing out others, I sent them all out to get a drink and they didn't come back, etc.

Since then they've been rotten and I can't manage/control/consequence them, since I don't have the same power because I don't hold it because they are only 4.

My mistake.

Today the director told me to give them a pop quiz so they feel responsible, like, this is a real class and you have to learn and if you don't, it will be bad just like every other class.

I will do it tomorrow, and in fact an assessment is always good so I will give it to the other classes as well (to some, open book) but I feel like that mean monster teacher I always swore I wouldn't be.

Growing into Miss Viola Swamp feels awful at times, too powerful at times, and scarily fits right now. Being assertive means being "mean". which I am becoming with less growing pains than I ever thought possible, and I will try to convince my class that I love them, just tough love.

Funny things that the eighth week of school do to you...

G-d's answer

From the lady 17 miles away who found the balloon in her yard on Shabbos afternoon. She asked me where it was from and I responded. This is her response..

Hi,

I received your email message this time. I have been to xxx a few times but didn't know exactly how many miles it is. Now I do. What a neat project you did with your kids and for such a great purpose! I am getting ready to leave for Sunday School and Church now. Thanks for resending your email so I could read your message.

Have a blessed day and school year!

XXX


I believe in people, oh yes I do! Do you?

Comment if you have a story to share about that...

God

On Thursday we wrote letters to God. I gave them a rubric, with specific things to include, like their sins from the past year, and what they were proud of, and their goals for the future. They asked me what we were going to do with the letters, and I said "mail them to Him". They asked if we could send them up on a balloon, and I agreed to let them.

I bought (my roommate bought) 8 Happy Birthday balloons (to the world for Rosh HaShanah) and I brought them to school for the letters. But paper is way too heavy for the balloons, which were weaker than I imagined, and so we couldn't send up the letters. So instead I had them address the letters to the Kotel. To the balloons we stuck post-its and tied messages to the tail that were small and light, and then we let go of the balloons in the field outside the school where we did Tashlich by the cute little pond.

This afternoon (24 hours later) 2 of the balloons were found in a city 17 miles away. The people wrote to me (I put my school address on them), and wished us well on behalf of God, Christianity, and their families. I love the universe. I feel like it's been a partner now in the education of my students, and in my faith in man and therefore in God. I want to give thanks for the kindness of people, the curiosity we all share, the religion that brings us together and allows us to be human, and the children whose letters really did reach God.

If He isn't smiling now, right before Yom Kippur, then what?

Still Angry

I'm still angry over what someone said to me, bashing what I could do and saying I'm not doing what I should be when I feel like I'm doing awesome.

And I'm even more angry that when I told a friend that, she said "you have to stand on your own feet already and stop wanting other people to help you."

I tell her all the time about the help I want and get, because I like telling her about the things that went well and the interactions I had that day with the people in the school we have in common. But I get a pit in my stomach wondering that I am not doing it all myself and does that make me inferior, when all the time I am refusing to allow any administrators help me and thinking up these brilliant weird plans myself and saying I want to do them when no one believes they will work, even me. I know that I could be doing more assertively, like the student whose mom I didn't call and the other student I didn't conference until her mom asked me to. But I'm a first year teacher, I'm still nervous about many things, and I am doing so much that I want to feel good when I come home and celebrate it every day, not feel yucky and angry like this.

I am meeting with a parent tomorrow since her daughter is a monster, and I asked for the meeting, though I haven't spoken to the child individually since in a class of 16 for 40 minutes, I just don't have time. I know I will get told off on that, but I am doing my best and I just want to say that I'm keeping my head up, if not doing all the many things that everyone else is doing...

I told a friend

to try some things I do. I am not an expert, I don't feel like one, I feel like I'm shooting in the dark all the time, and I still have a bucketload of problems of my own in my 7 week old classroom. But I have done the first two weeks. So I gave advice.

I pray she has the guts to do it.

Bad Week

Yesterday I wanted to write about yesterday, and about all the happiness of 7th grade parents who don't care that their children are brats and don't care even more that their children are failing my class because they don't hand in assignments.

That was yesterday.

Today I just want to have love for the principal, who sat in on a class and told me a million times that it wasn't me being unclear but them refusing to be engaged, and the Chumash teacher who agreed to take them to Tashlich so I don't have to, and the guidance counselor who agreed to re-think all of advisory because some, if not all, are not working.

I am keeping an objective mindset, a growth mindset, etc, and trying to know that it's normal not to want to tell your students it's your birthday because you'd rather have a good day of learning, and wondering if I still remember a time when I didn't learn a million new things every day.

I wish I could say I miss you all, but all I miss are home-cooked lunches (instead of school food) and time to exercise and the feeling of going to bed not in a panic. And even those things are beginning to fade as I learn to grade faster and plan faster and think at the speed of light how to get 2 lessons into one so we aren't behind when I'm fasting after Rosh HaShanah and they are being brats.

I'm just too busy and too content to miss anyone right now, or to think anything bad or good, besides the happy exhaustion.

Shana Tova!

Awesome lesson

I had one today with that class where five kids were suspended from it a few weeks ago.

Eight weren't here because of some prospective high school visit. The rest wanted to learn about Rosh HaShanah, and I said I would teach them.

They came in and I had a note on the board: In honor of 9/11 we will be having class silently. I'm offering 200 points (we do a point system and 200 is how many they need for a party). Who will keep score?

I appointed one of the suspended ones to be the scorekeeper, had him come to the board, and then we chalk talked our way through the whole lesson. We had a long discussion, and I did not manage, I only read, called on people (I let them go to the board in twos or threes) and wrote occasional new questions. They all knew a lot, and while they did not get the whole connection to Rosh HaShanah, they did do a great job thinking and writing, and were respectful the whole time.

I am going to start Monday with donuts, and be proud that when they walked out of the room, no one said "That was stupid" and instead I heard them say "That was cool".

Yay for Engaged Learning Strategies!

To My Friends

In case you were wondering, I do love you all, my first year colleagues. I just feel a million years older than you right now.

It's hard for me right now because I'm not drowning, and I want to give you advice, but I feel like I'm really far ahead and I don't know if it will be helpful. Just please breathe, please know that it will all get easier very soon, and please eat lunch every day; it helps.

And please know that I am waiting for you impatiently at the end of Month 1, where the view is a heck of a lot better.

Like a Monday, only worse...

So I had a great weekend. Went to this awesome park and ate a picnic, and climbed up some mountain (ok, it was kinda a walk, not a hike, but the view was awesome). I'm at the supreme of weekend appreciation, being a teacher and a person who lived in Israel...

Today was Monday, though. I mean the kind where everyone'e sluggish, I have a sore throat, and no one wants to be there. And Susan was there too.

It was nice to be observed. Because often I feel like if I do a bad job, no one cares, because it's just me and the kids in a room together, and the magic potion smoke doesn't leave the door. So it was nice to have someone on the inside with me, just watching.

It was also fun to bomb a lesson that I knew in advance had slim chances of working with both her and the principal there. Brownie points that I figured out what to do in hindsight, but it's ok, I'll just re-teach it another day. Tomorrow I'm totally going out on a limb and taking them outside to play a crazy game, I'll let you know how that goes. Kinesthetic learning and the need for fun and play, you know.

I'm a first year teacher, but I'm past the first clueless month. I feel like I've pretended to be in charge for a while now, and most of the time I actually feel it. I don't have moments so often where I feel completely lost, and I feel in my skin that I'm learning to roll with the punches.

Last funny story: In the middle of the class period that bombed because I was trying to do too much at once, in walks the insurance guy to set up a meeting with me. I'm talking to the class, and he just comes in and starts asking me when we can talk. I had no idea how to get him out of there without being rude, and I didn't want to lost the class' attention.. It was a good thing the principal was there, and shooed him out of the room and told him to come back later. He felt bad, ok, but who walks in to teacher's classrooms in the middle of the period and just starts talking like that?

Motzai Shabbos

Eating popcorn, grading papers I didn't finish on Friday, and writing a lesson worksheet about Rebbi (Yehuda HaNasi). I don't have all the books I need, so I'm waiting for a fax from my parents with the text.. And this is after I bought all those books in Israel...

Still on my "I have no life" kick, lol.

Friday, and I've got a lot to do...

After school, Friday afternoon, 1/2 an hour before Shabbos.

I am grading papers. A lot of papers. No one ever told me how long it would take, and how you have to do it if you do independent work if you want to keep them serious. On the first assignment I made the mistake of giving them all A's, since I didn't want to take those hours to do all that grading, but the quality went down, and I've learned my lesson.

So I'm thinking I have to actually grade..

Back to school night was awesome. I taught the parents about Rabbi Yochanan and Resh Lakish. In other words, I showed them, not told them, and from the way they were nodding and smiling, I think they enjoyed!

One parent said to me, "I want to see your driver's licence. How old are you?"
Me: "Oh, I'm 16 and absolutely unqualified."
Parent: "So this is your first year teaching?"
Me: "Don't tell your kid anything of the sort, ok?"

Afterwords I was on such a high, I stayed up late and then overslept through my alarm, etc.

I have to get a life...

Here's to the long weekend, my first official school vacation (some of my students are going to Hawaii etc, the rest have swine flu, and I am somewhere in the middle with just a prayer that I will not grade all weekend).

For my readers, who are reticent to comment as of yet-- what are you doing this weekend? Anything that beats the Caribbean? Well, have fun, everyone!

And the real beginning

Welcome to Wednesday, Week 4, this version of the blog is officially going public and I am officially going to bed before 8pm...

Btw, you might think it's odd that all my posts so far are at 8:18pm. The secret -- I uploaded them from my private blog, and that was the default timestamp. I know. Creepy. Complain to Blogger, not me, if you care...

Haven't written in a while...

I haven't written in a while because I wonder sometimes if anyone will read this, or care. I know that my fellow students are having their first days this week, and remembering what it was like to be a virgin. I feel like I've been working, been in school, for ages. I feel like it is my home and my entire life, and that I have nothing else on top of that.

But I also feel like I have no life, and I want you to know not to let it consume you. I know that it's really hard to have something else in your life when you have lessons to write and places to be every hour, every period, every minute. But I'm not really that busy every second, (except for on Fridays with my 5 in a row) and the rest of the time I wish I knew people who did have lives so that when I finished my work in the evenings I would have someone to talk to, or even do stuff with.

Susan is coming to visit me on Tuesday, and I am glad I already have some stuff planned.

Wish me luck with back-to-school night, I am going to NOT tell the parents I am 23, and I AM going to teach them some of the Torah their darlings learned in the first week of school. I want them on board, and while I don't know a lot about their kids yet, I do know that I want them to know that I can do this and that I care.