Scared

I was so nervous today, to see them all in school when they knew I had gotten suspended some of their friends. I'm not happy at all it happened on my watch; in fact, I'm really sad. But everyone else thinks its about time, is happy all day, and I can't say anything.

What I don't know is how I'm going to navigate Thursday when they are back with me and when I have them all again. I pray that they will be like my other classes, who are getting quieter faster finally, and for whom some of the recess-losing seems to finally be working.

Suspended

5 of my students.

One called me by my first name, 4 were generally disrespectful of me, my class, the subject, etc. I don't feel at all bad about the first one, but a little about the other 4, who I couldn't even tell them the words that they said and the things that they did exactly. What none of them know is that the administration wanted to suspend the whole class, but I asked them to back down and just do the one kid who was absolutely not ok.

I felt bullied, today and the other days that we start class that way. But I feel like I have to figure out a way to teach them, since these first three weeks are hard. Really hard.

They applauded me in the teachers' staff meeting, because they were so impressed I had backbone. But I don't feel like I was nearly consistent enough, or good enough, or anything enough.

At the very least, I am not letting it color the rest of my classes, which I have been having a good time with, and while I wish I were stronger, that I wasn't needing to fight a war, I am hoping already to just win and be done with the whole stupidity of the first few weeks...

On the other hand...

Last night I had a conversation with a veteran teacher who actually has some experience with the DD stuff and some other things and especially middle school. We talked about a lot of what I've been doing, and I started to realize that although I have been made to believe that I'm doing everything wrong, I actually seem to be doing a lot right, and that just from thinking about things, I have come up with a lot of the strategies that other teachers use all the time...

I now think that I will have them enter my classroom and have them be timed on the entrance cards, a zero for anyone who doesn't have it done in time... And maybe with grades they will be serious about being quiet and doing everything they are supposed to. I hate to motivate with grades, but my present system allows for a lot of taking advantage of me, and I have to stop that before I always have to teach in 5 minute intervals..

What isn't working

I know that I need to do goals and then assessment, and I didn't do that because I didn't realize this was a unit until I was teaching it. And then I did the unit, I need to assess it, I didn't have a main point or maybe I did, I don't know how to write the assessment, I am falling into a trap of being one of these stupid kinds of outdated teachers who just asks questions on content that they can memorize.

I can't test them without having them have seen the syllabus with the expectations for grading and without organizing them, their binders, and Edline with them.

I don't know how to introduce the students to using supplies, taking responsibility in my classroom, or even organizing their binders because I don't know how to get quiet for long enough to do it without fighting them.

I don't know how to frame a conversation on goals so that they will generate what they want to learn this year.

I don't know how to talk about rules/expectations. Actually I do but any time I start they feel like it's cheesy and I can't take myself seriously enough to get it done.

I feel like I am doing too much work because students aren't even taking responsibility for things like putting the desks back where they were when they came in. I don't know how to teach that.

I feel pressured because I am supposed to have the syllabus and expectations/rules and also the goals all done by next Wednesday because that's the day we have open house with parents. I am also supposed to have started my next unit by then so it doesn't get broken up between the Chagim, and in between I haven't done any of this, I still have to do all the logistics for them which means I'm working too hard for no reason since they are in 7th or 8th grade, they do badly with the small set of procedures I have taught them, and I have to give a test on this badly deigned unit that I have taught without planning.

I don't know how to teach a lesson on procedures. All these people saying "just teach it" or "model it" isn't working for me. I feel stupid, they feel talked down to, and I can't seem to do it.

I don't think I have enough time to do all of these things and get them into a lesson when it takes 30 minutes to get quiet and when I don't have enough time to do anything while I endlessly wait for quiet.

We can't use the quiet signal anymore, so that reduces me back to shouting. I can't seem to keep up with any expectations in order to keep the students feeling safe without feeling talked down to, and doing anything at this point is all about how loud I can yell. I hate that I'm becoming a monster that is exactly the kind of teacher I don't want to be.

What's Working

3:15 pm. The middle of office hours. I brought computers today, and said that when they're done with their homework, they could go online.

This morning I had 4 periods where we did independent work and I demanded complete silence in the room while we did it. It was really hard for me to get silence, and by the time I got it quiet, it was already time for the bell to ring.

But I really don't believe in quiet. Or, I believe in quiet, but not absolute silence. Right now they are all talking quietly, playing on the computer, and doing homework. They're working so well together that I don't want the bell to ring, and it isn't quiet. I'm happy for the first time all day, I can see they're working really well because they're being quiet, and I wonder why this needs to be different from a class period where I ask for silence. Maybe I have to know that I can have them be quiet, so I have to have them be quiet for the first 6 weeks so they can learn, but I want to build them until they can do it all by themselves, until they can feel safe and structured not in perfect silence, and until I can get a good tone going.

8D, by the way, is my favorite class. They're the ones that all have special needs, where I have in-class support, and where no one believes they can do anything. I expect them to be able to learn independently by the end of the year. No one believes that they can. But I am sure they can, and they can do it well.

Snow Day!!!

A sewer pipe broke, and we got to go home as soon as we got there. It felt like Heaven to have a day off that I didn't have to spend planning or doing something useful during.

We watched a movie, hung out, did stuff (me and the other young teacher) and in general had the best day I've had in I don't even know how long. I don't even remember the last time I wasn't nervous, and it felt awesome. Absolutely Heaven.

Shabbos

I slept the entire Shabbos. Well, I went to dinner, and to lunch, actually, but I slept like a rock the rest of the time. I barely even woke up when it was over. And then I just went back to sleep. All the exhaustion of the whole week of stress just caught up to me. But I think this week will be better. Or at least, I hope it will.

I figured a bunch of things out, like how to start off firm. I'm still working on how to stay firm for more than 5 minutes when I actually don't want to be, and how to enforce the hand-up-mouth-shut policy when I'm the only teacher that takes it seriously.

But I'm in a million times better shape than I was in this time last week, and I know now that it is going to be hard, but also that it's something I am going to learn how to do until the end of the year, and that's exciting.

In Nano (novel writing month) there are four weeks:

1 -- where it all seems easy and exciting and new
2 -- where it's impossible and you just want to cry and stop
3 -- where it turns possible again
and 4 -- where the ending writes itself and you are along for the ride

I'm firmly into "week 1" of teaching now. I know it will get hard, but I also know that I'm committed, and that the ending will be awesome and the ride will be great.

Who's excited?!

Better

Today I felt grinningly good about. I kept 7A in at recess. I told them if they wasted my time, I would take theirs, and then I proceeded to teach through recess. Everyone says it will make them behave better tomorrow. I am not convinced, but I do think that its nuts to keep in a class on the third day, that all the other classes are terrified of me, and that maybe this made them be able to tell something, I'm not sure what.

I'm having a hard time getting right the student-teacher dynamic at lunch, advisory, and each class, and figuring out when to act what way in order to set the right tone. I terrified two of my classes by starting out really firm and strong, by making them wait in the hall until I was ready for them, and I'm getting used to the way that feels, but not liking it.

I fell into the trap of over-estimating my highest class because I knew they were high, and my lowest class because I knew they were low. Nobody should tell me those things, because honestly I did the same exact thing with 6 classes and the ones who did the best, were the most thoughtful, and got the most out of it were the low level classes, not the ones everyone thinks are smart.

I got to school at 6:40. And now I've stopped moving, realized I have a lesson already for tomorrow, and started to get that I'm exhausted and need a break and am thinking of skipping dinner and everything and just going to bed now until morning.

The Problem

At the end of the day I figured it out.

They don't need just modeling about how to behave, they need to learn a lesson that teaches them that being independent adults is our goal for them, that we actually care as teachers, and that care means limits.

The fact that none of that was said is not me, and the fact they didn't listen when I asked for quiet is not me. I didn't feel beaten, just stressed, and certainly not like a failure.

Now I am frantic, planning a whole new unit on "How to be Independent".

Double uggh.

First Day Part 1

It was ok until the 8th graders came in 5th period, all riled up from having to behave for the first 4 periods, and I had to spend the whole period on getting their binders set up and all the things that went with that. I did it for my advisory, and it sucked that I had to do it again after during the next class for another class, and that it took all that time for no good reason. I want the chairs to stay there, and I know that whatever I tell them is totally not going to happen, and I also know that I'm doing pretty well for first time, first year, and this much chaos. And there is a mess in my room, now, and I had no idea what to do for recess or lunch, but I did fine anyway, and duties don't start yet in any case, so it's all ok. Eat well during lunch, that's what I've learned so far...

And on to 7th period and 7th grade. They all suck at listening to each other. I hope to teach them to listen better.

And I want to work on using something that might actually work through DD, I am hoping I have a fair sporting chance...

Organization

So I am all ready for my first day.

I have 3 binders, one for 7th grade, one for 8th grade, and one for my Advisory (Homeroom) with a divider for each kid and papers in each section ready and waiting for comments about them. I intend to write a note about each one and stick it to the pages, sometime in the first 2 weeks.

I have 2 binders, known as the "Master Copies", one for each grade, where I will keep a copy of each worksheet I hand out so they can compare their binders whenever they want to get organized with their papers.

I have 2 binders, one for each grade, with my lesson plan followed by a sheet protector with the photocopied worksheets, so I will know what I am handing out, when and to whom.

I have a clipboard for taking notes on, a binder with the rules of the school and my schedule, and a folder of forms I have to fill out before the end of the week (w4, i9 etc).

All in all, I think I'm ready!

The thing I did right

I did something awesome at open house today.

A parent, who had not come for the required intake conference, walked in with his son to see the room and get the locker combination, etc.

In a flash of brilliance I asked him to stay because I wanted to speak to him, plopped him down at the table, and had my intake conference right then and there, with other parents waiting outside, etc. At the end he told me that he never came to a conference because his son did well, and I said I wanted that to change since it's important for parents to hear that their kid does well straight from my mouth. He nodded; I doubt he agreed, though, and left.

I was really proud of myself for thinking fast to ask him to do that, for acting like my made-up ideas were school expectations, for being the first one to have ever conferenced with this man, and for telling him what I wanted as a requirement, not a request. And I hope that his kid gets to actually get some attention this year.

Pictures!

My classroom, and how it looks before the first day of school--



Desks arranged in a U so everyone can see everyone (and because we're learning about the Sanhedrin)



Some of the beautiful bulletin boards I worked so hard to put up (waiting to be filled with student work, etc)



The neat supply closet (otherwise known as "Beit Kalba Savua", because he had enough food to supply Jerusalem under siege for about as long as I have pencils to supply my class in that closet)



And my break area, waiting for all the fun projects we're going to do (I named the rug Beit Alpha because the mosaic was as pathetic as my rug)

Looking forward to a great year!

The thing they didn't tell us

They didn't tell us that pre-planning week is called "HellWeek" for a reason. They didn't tell us that it's overwhelming to set up a classroom, and it takes more than a week of nights and Sunday. They didn't tell us that you get points in the real world for confronting when you need to talk about something, and they certainly didn't tell us the principal was actually going to expect you to be an adult, and still be happy when you are. They didn't tell us about all-nighters even before school starts, and they certainly didn't tell us how to organize a file for each kid, and how to keep it in a locked cabinet even though your school's all hippie.

But most of all, they didn't tell us that we are trained better than two generations of co-workers, and that while we are being humble all day about how much we have to learn, we should also smile with pride at starting in a place that will let us make a huge difference.

Oh yeah, and they didn't tell us about PTSA giving out chocolate, either.

Pre-Planning and Coddling

Today was the first day of pre-planning/orientation for teachers. I was happy that I knew almost half of the names, since I went to the seminar two weeks ago. A long day of administrative details said enough times that even I understand them followed. They made us new teachers introduce ourselves in front of the group and embarrassed us to death because they're so excited about us.

Which brings me to the first problem I have as a new teacher.

I like that they are supportive. I appreciate that they all want to help me, and want me to do well. I am grateful they want to help me put up my bulletin boards and posters and meet with me to talk about my curriculum. I even appreciate that they gave me a curriculum, so as to make sure I won't get lost in November when the first-year blues hit.

BUT

First year teachers come with a million ideas for how to do things new ways. I can't sleep at night, thinking a mile a minute about all the ways I can make this year the best on ever, this subject the best one ever, for my advisory students and my seventh grade and my eighth grade and my remedial class. I can't stop thinking and dreaming. I also can't stop memorizing --new policies and procedures and carpool zones and names of secretaries. I was overwhelmed my first week, and I will be again next week when the kids come. But for right now, I'm flying.

And that's why when a new Mishna-head comes along with 100% socialized curriculum boks, saying we aren't allowed to deviate from the lesson plans in the book, and we have to teach memorizing even though the school, and my education, don't think it's fair to grade something not everyone can do, and we have to test standardized and put up their posters and not do anything else, all year, I just feel cramped. I believe in the goals of the book. I just think that my personality might want to write some lesson plans that aren't about the sacredness of the Mishna as G-d's word but are more about people who lived in the time of the Mishna and how the rules affected their lives. And that's in the book. I don't want to skip or to change anything. I just want to be trusted that my education was sound, and that I will figure it out, that at least some of my ideas will work, and that when the others don't I will ask for help and figure it out. I am finding a way to be assertive enough to say when I don't need the help, without hurting but also without letting myself be treated like I'm a kid.

And let me tell you, my first day of parent-teacher intake conferences was difficult to do in a room that doesn't look beautiful like some of the others, but except for one parent (the first), I was treated with total teacher-awe. I'm learning that I do look the part, and that even if I don't, it's pretty clear that I'm serious the minute I open my mouth.

Going to have to do something about the white lie of "Sure, I taught some last year", though I don't want to tell parents I'm totally green or I'll never keep it a secret from the kids like they all tell me to. It's a good thing we had student teaching...

On bulletin boards (for a week)

A week gone by, in which I did not finish setting up my classroom, but I made a good start. They say it looks empty because I haven't accumulated any stuff yet, and I feel like that's a good thing. The room is clean and empty, waiting for the new year to start. I'm hoping the students will actually want to put stuff on the walls. If not, that's what they have portfolios and I have posters for. It says in the Developmental Designs book that 8th grade is a really private year, but I hope at least some of them will come out of their shells enough to engage me.

I am worried about discipline, management, and all that stuff, of course, but all the teachers on my floor were taking bets that I wouldn't have any trouble just because I would be fun and engaging and they would want to shut up and listen to me. I am praying that's true, but also seeing my "teacher walk" start to come in and knowing that I do have more than enough stage presence when I need it, and that despite what two years of people at Pardes and a seminar with Lisa Lahey say, I do act plenty loud and plenty assertive when I'm the one in charge and I need to make things work. And I am thankful every day for a school that wants to build me up, and believe in me, instead of tearing me down and saying all the time how hard it's going to be.