Post-Modern Students

For those of you in my cohort who have been emailing me this week, you know that I promised the kids a lesson on the "miracle of oil being a lie" and the reason why. In the end I did a full jigsaw with sources from 4 places (Maccabees, Mai Chanukah, Al haNissim, Rambam) and asked the students to compare the versions.

They did a great job comparing, and talking about how the oil miracle only appears in 2 of the four versions, and any miracle at all is not present in more than 3. Then I asked them why. I wanted them to think about what might motivate each of these sources to tell the story differently. I hoped that reading the four stories would have peaked their interest and sense of linear-mess to wonder what the "real truth" was and why the other versions chose to tell it differently. After all, that bothered an awful lot of people in Pardes, HC and everywhere else I've been as an adult. In fact, we even wrote a paper on it last year.

There was an almost visible sigh in the room as every single one of them wrote "because there are different versions with different understandings and ways of interpreting the story based on their agendas". Wow, I thought. I totally underestimated how post-modern my 7th graders are. While us adults are busy looking for the "truth", post-modernity, with its multiplicity and varying narratives for everything, has come to town. The kids know that the answer is going to be in the layers and agendas because they've learned that from Gossip Girl. They don't wonder about what other people think and how their stories are different, because they have novels in multiple voices and movies that spell out characters' motivations. How much richer it is than the one dimension that we thought in when WE were in 7th grade.

Richer, maybe, but also less connected and emotionally attached. My students know that everyone has a way to tell their story, and no version compells them. They can pick and choose at will, so they often don't even bother. I was looking forward to the second lesson, the one where we talk about each story's history and motivation, but they're already bored. Of course they all have reasons, they tell me, and that means we don't have to take anything too seriously. Anyone can tell their story (just look at the rise in self-publishing, blogging, etc) so no one's story is more than a breeze in the hurricane of images that passes before their faces every day.

In short, they have so many more stories, they don't have to care too much, or even think too much, about any of them. I threw my lesson on multiple perspectives down the drain tonight, and am now wondering how I can make just one story, one moment, really and truly matter.

Bad Day

Bad Day, bad mood. It's something about having only a week more until a 2 week vacation, and that week will be on Chanukah, and every single teacher giving a test to finish a unit before the break, and even I did that, but it means they are so loopy all day because of having three tests and not being able to focus in class.

I also am finishing a unit with each class next week, because who wants to come back and not be learning something new, but I wish there was another way and that we could be just able to just have class and not have consequences and all that annoying stuff and that we could just have a good class for a change, would that be so terrible?

DD says we shouldn't punish negative behavior of a whole class, instead we should do something fun and interesting. But how about the fact that I plan something really awesome and then they chat so much that I can't get a word in to give instructions, so I don't, and then they don't know what to do or we have no time to do it, and everyone leaves upset. How do I fix that one? I don't know, and barely getting quiet for 5 minutes means that I often don't really have any choices. Maybe it's going to have to be back to the worksheets and only having written instructions and no oral ones. But it's just more work for me to get something near the same result, and less well done since no one has ever taught them how to make or fill in a chart or graph or how to read one. I hate that I am now becoming the teacher who asks them to have it but then doesn't give them a chance to learn it on their own. And in this case, I don't even feel like it's my fault.

But I don't know how to make it better.

Not Fun

Thanksgiving, and home. I haven't been writing because I haven't been talking and this doesn't rate the "real" blog still of the Pardes people, though I haven't written in three weeks.

It's my day off and I'm procrastinating doing an assignment, writing the curriculum for Chanukah in standards and benchmarks. It's easy, except that I have to write it in big words. Maybe that's not usually hard for me, but I haven't been in the mood for any words in weeks.

It's not something wrong with me, in case you were wondering after reading the last post. It's just a lot of taking care of too many people for too long and without anyone taking care of me. It happens when you're a teacher and November means you have a lot of friends who need help.

Thanks for letting me stand by you. But I need a vacation with people doing that for me. This one with family just doesn't count.

Novemeber Blues

I've got them. It's a good thing it's just a few days before Thanksgiving, and I'm going on vacation, or else it would really be bad. All I want to do is sleep, I feel like I don't care that they act up because all I want to do is just let it go. I don't want to meet with all the people who think they can help me. I just want to sleep.

And I really want to be angry at the person who told me this month would be easier without nano, because that's what makes it possible to get through at all...

In Over My Head

(Shifra)

My student's sister is deathly ill. We are learning about praying for rain, (Ta'anit) and expecting G-d to answer us. This girl came into class and said "I don't mean to offend you, Ms. Kaufman, but I can't really do this work right now because I'm really angry at G-d for making my sister so sick." And I know it's because she's been praying, and because they still don't know anything but the basics they learned in Kindergarten with some frum teacher that G-d answers prayers.

I don't know how to say that sometimes He doesn't answer, and sometimes He says no.

So we are going to take a detour, my class and I, to talk about the thing that bothers them a lot more than if those Mishna dudes ever got rain. It's not getting off topic; in fact I wonder if it's the first ON topic thing we've done all year.

Obviously the principal and the guidance counselor and my mentor etc want me to "just bring in the Head of School, who's also a rabbi, and let him talk to them about it and give them some feel-good answers". No shock to you who know me that I don't want to do that. And then they yell at me for biting off more than I can chew in my first year.

But isn't this what first years are about? About not being stuck in your ways enough that you really enjoy the rollar coaster in which you never know what things you'll do tomorrow? I say, embrace the ability to just take a week and talk about the touchiest subject in all of religion. Sure, why not? At least this class, when they graduate, will be able to say that they thought about things that mattered in Judaics classes, that there was a teacher willing to engage the big picture.

It all comes back again to them being able to think. Are we helping them by leaving them with pat answers? By encouraging more of them? I think it would help them more to interview people who don't know, won't know, and think we can't know, and see that sometimes, there just aren't answers and the only thing left is to dream up your own.

Conferences

Are over. Thank goodness.

It was a grueling marathon of a day, long, exhilarating, and too intense for words. I have no voice left and my brain is mush, but I feel like tomorrow is the first day of school all over again. Today I told 46 parents that their children were pleasures to have in class, that I would like to see "more confidence in navigating the social agenda of 7th grade, that I love teaching them but sometimes I just have to use worksheets.

I was only yelled at by two out of 46, and in both cases the principal and department head ran after them to yell at them immediately. I was supported; the oldest, most veteran teachers set me up next to them in the front of the room and escorted parents to my table as if I was a celebrity. They want me to succeed, and the parents for the most part want their students to learn and have a great time. Who doesn't want their child to learn critical thinking, after all? And since I made Judaics about skills for life, there wasn't one person who thought my subject wasn't important. In fact, for all the talk about other agendas, I found that most parents were so willing to engage me as a key to their child's succcess that I wondered at times if it was true that the apathy all comes from home.

Now I just have to implement the million and one awesome suggestions that they gave me for the classes and their children. I'm glad that no one asked for the moon, and that I can help many of them just by being flexible in ways I already am.

Shout out what you think about the idea of my advisory students learning to run a 5k race for tzedaka (silly kinesthetics) and shout especially if you have an idea for how to make them think it up themselves...

Things I Miss

I miss writing.

I miss eating real food, not school lunches. I miss eating lunch after 12, and dinner after five.

I miss having time for myself, caring that I do, and not caring how much sleep I get because I'm the only one it affects.

I miss not being on all the time, not caring about someone else even in my dreams, and not wondering about the fact I don't have a life.

I miss going to bed early, and not being under constant stress of classes and conferences (yes, that is what I'm procrastinating preparing for) and parents who care more than me.

But I don't miss an inch the days of the theoretical, when we thought about making a difference instead of just doing it.

I don't miss that one bit.

Think, Please

I gave up on my 8th graders last week, got frustrated at how they didn't respect anything down to the time I take to make all these awesome lessons for them all the time, and assigned them workbook pages to do instead.

And I realized something.

They have no idea how to think.

I don't think its a socialized mind thing, where they just refuse to have different opinions from each other for fear of being ostracized, because the school culture just isn't really like that. Also, that's why I let them do almost everything in groups ("open friends" as a teacher of mine used to say). I think that they honestly have been taught to think that if they procrastinate and ask obnoxious questions long enough and hard enough, they will get a frustrated teacher to just feed them the answer, and then they won't actually ever have to put two and two together.

That won't fly in most of the high schools, or the colleges, or the jobs that they want for themselves, so I intend to try to break them of that. I think I need two parts.

First I need to give them the tools (dictionaries, word lists, notes, books, websites, whatever) that they need to find out the answers for themselves. I need to give them the skills, too (translating, or at least picking stuff apart, is just one of those).

Second, I need to stop answering their questions and resist the temptation. I need to ask questions I know they can get, I need to scaffold what I ask and what they ask. But I can't walk around explaining every question to them, or they will learn that someone's always there to do that.

Maybe I need to compile a list of every question they could possibly think up, and then assign them to find out the answers. Maybe I need to have "unanswerables" every day, or something too hard for their pat responses when they come into the room. No more content, no more spitback, but somehow, I want them to actually turn on their brains.

Because they're pretty awesome on the rare occasions when they do.

Helping the Universe

Today we actually had a good day, the 7th grade and I.

The school took us all to "Books for Africa", this organization that packs up old textbooks and reading books and ships them to poor children. The students started the trip with the obligatory "Do we have to? This is stupid" etc, but the minute the guy there said, "Take a library cart and climb into the crates to take out the books and pack them in boxes" they got all excited. I didn't hear a single complaint the whole morning, the kids actually said they thought it was cool, and maybe they would want to volunteer there during summer vacation or at least another day.

I think this was the first time, for many of these over-privileged kids, that they ever thought about anyone being grateful for castaway stuff, let alone books. Through packing they learned that there are kids with less stuff than they have and kids who actually NEED to read. They learned that not everyone has iphone touches and even shiny new stuff, and that they could make a difference.

I know I've been a cynic of a lot of these places that make you feel good about helping more than you really are. But these kids had never felt like they helped the universe before and this was a great place to start. They didn't come in with the fear that often comes at this age with soup kitchens, etc, and the children they pictured getting the gift of these books were kids, just like them.

All this they learned with not a speech, a lecture, a worksheet, a fancy smartboard interactive activity, or even a jigsaw or Engaged Learning Strategy. They learned it with their muscles and by getting dusty and by working hard. My classroom is seldom frontal, but even so, I wonder at the power of moving and getting sweaty and doing all of it in "free play" while talking to friends. I wish that my classroom could have a little more of that hard-work-magic, where learning happens despite students' greatest reservations. Why don't every day I teach I feel tired in my muscles as well as in my brain? Why doesn't their learning every day feel, well, GOOD?

Mo'adim L'Simcha!

I'm moving

To my new blog, Pardes Bloggers Unite. Haven't figured out if I will still be here, too, or what it will be, but I just wanted to plug for all of you joining that and reading about the collected adventures of three of us from cohorts 7 and 8. That will be dedicated to my "Teaching Moments" and other fun stuff, so I hope you will continue to enjoy over there...

Miss Swamp in the supply closet

Today my class of 4 was rotten. They were the best, until last week when the one on medication went on a new one, he started cursing out others, I sent them all out to get a drink and they didn't come back, etc.

Since then they've been rotten and I can't manage/control/consequence them, since I don't have the same power because I don't hold it because they are only 4.

My mistake.

Today the director told me to give them a pop quiz so they feel responsible, like, this is a real class and you have to learn and if you don't, it will be bad just like every other class.

I will do it tomorrow, and in fact an assessment is always good so I will give it to the other classes as well (to some, open book) but I feel like that mean monster teacher I always swore I wouldn't be.

Growing into Miss Viola Swamp feels awful at times, too powerful at times, and scarily fits right now. Being assertive means being "mean". which I am becoming with less growing pains than I ever thought possible, and I will try to convince my class that I love them, just tough love.

Funny things that the eighth week of school do to you...

G-d's answer

From the lady 17 miles away who found the balloon in her yard on Shabbos afternoon. She asked me where it was from and I responded. This is her response..

Hi,

I received your email message this time. I have been to xxx a few times but didn't know exactly how many miles it is. Now I do. What a neat project you did with your kids and for such a great purpose! I am getting ready to leave for Sunday School and Church now. Thanks for resending your email so I could read your message.

Have a blessed day and school year!

XXX


I believe in people, oh yes I do! Do you?

Comment if you have a story to share about that...

God

On Thursday we wrote letters to God. I gave them a rubric, with specific things to include, like their sins from the past year, and what they were proud of, and their goals for the future. They asked me what we were going to do with the letters, and I said "mail them to Him". They asked if we could send them up on a balloon, and I agreed to let them.

I bought (my roommate bought) 8 Happy Birthday balloons (to the world for Rosh HaShanah) and I brought them to school for the letters. But paper is way too heavy for the balloons, which were weaker than I imagined, and so we couldn't send up the letters. So instead I had them address the letters to the Kotel. To the balloons we stuck post-its and tied messages to the tail that were small and light, and then we let go of the balloons in the field outside the school where we did Tashlich by the cute little pond.

This afternoon (24 hours later) 2 of the balloons were found in a city 17 miles away. The people wrote to me (I put my school address on them), and wished us well on behalf of God, Christianity, and their families. I love the universe. I feel like it's been a partner now in the education of my students, and in my faith in man and therefore in God. I want to give thanks for the kindness of people, the curiosity we all share, the religion that brings us together and allows us to be human, and the children whose letters really did reach God.

If He isn't smiling now, right before Yom Kippur, then what?

Still Angry

I'm still angry over what someone said to me, bashing what I could do and saying I'm not doing what I should be when I feel like I'm doing awesome.

And I'm even more angry that when I told a friend that, she said "you have to stand on your own feet already and stop wanting other people to help you."

I tell her all the time about the help I want and get, because I like telling her about the things that went well and the interactions I had that day with the people in the school we have in common. But I get a pit in my stomach wondering that I am not doing it all myself and does that make me inferior, when all the time I am refusing to allow any administrators help me and thinking up these brilliant weird plans myself and saying I want to do them when no one believes they will work, even me. I know that I could be doing more assertively, like the student whose mom I didn't call and the other student I didn't conference until her mom asked me to. But I'm a first year teacher, I'm still nervous about many things, and I am doing so much that I want to feel good when I come home and celebrate it every day, not feel yucky and angry like this.

I am meeting with a parent tomorrow since her daughter is a monster, and I asked for the meeting, though I haven't spoken to the child individually since in a class of 16 for 40 minutes, I just don't have time. I know I will get told off on that, but I am doing my best and I just want to say that I'm keeping my head up, if not doing all the many things that everyone else is doing...

I told a friend

to try some things I do. I am not an expert, I don't feel like one, I feel like I'm shooting in the dark all the time, and I still have a bucketload of problems of my own in my 7 week old classroom. But I have done the first two weeks. So I gave advice.

I pray she has the guts to do it.

Bad Week

Yesterday I wanted to write about yesterday, and about all the happiness of 7th grade parents who don't care that their children are brats and don't care even more that their children are failing my class because they don't hand in assignments.

That was yesterday.

Today I just want to have love for the principal, who sat in on a class and told me a million times that it wasn't me being unclear but them refusing to be engaged, and the Chumash teacher who agreed to take them to Tashlich so I don't have to, and the guidance counselor who agreed to re-think all of advisory because some, if not all, are not working.

I am keeping an objective mindset, a growth mindset, etc, and trying to know that it's normal not to want to tell your students it's your birthday because you'd rather have a good day of learning, and wondering if I still remember a time when I didn't learn a million new things every day.

I wish I could say I miss you all, but all I miss are home-cooked lunches (instead of school food) and time to exercise and the feeling of going to bed not in a panic. And even those things are beginning to fade as I learn to grade faster and plan faster and think at the speed of light how to get 2 lessons into one so we aren't behind when I'm fasting after Rosh HaShanah and they are being brats.

I'm just too busy and too content to miss anyone right now, or to think anything bad or good, besides the happy exhaustion.

Shana Tova!

Awesome lesson

I had one today with that class where five kids were suspended from it a few weeks ago.

Eight weren't here because of some prospective high school visit. The rest wanted to learn about Rosh HaShanah, and I said I would teach them.

They came in and I had a note on the board: In honor of 9/11 we will be having class silently. I'm offering 200 points (we do a point system and 200 is how many they need for a party). Who will keep score?

I appointed one of the suspended ones to be the scorekeeper, had him come to the board, and then we chalk talked our way through the whole lesson. We had a long discussion, and I did not manage, I only read, called on people (I let them go to the board in twos or threes) and wrote occasional new questions. They all knew a lot, and while they did not get the whole connection to Rosh HaShanah, they did do a great job thinking and writing, and were respectful the whole time.

I am going to start Monday with donuts, and be proud that when they walked out of the room, no one said "That was stupid" and instead I heard them say "That was cool".

Yay for Engaged Learning Strategies!

To My Friends

In case you were wondering, I do love you all, my first year colleagues. I just feel a million years older than you right now.

It's hard for me right now because I'm not drowning, and I want to give you advice, but I feel like I'm really far ahead and I don't know if it will be helpful. Just please breathe, please know that it will all get easier very soon, and please eat lunch every day; it helps.

And please know that I am waiting for you impatiently at the end of Month 1, where the view is a heck of a lot better.

Like a Monday, only worse...

So I had a great weekend. Went to this awesome park and ate a picnic, and climbed up some mountain (ok, it was kinda a walk, not a hike, but the view was awesome). I'm at the supreme of weekend appreciation, being a teacher and a person who lived in Israel...

Today was Monday, though. I mean the kind where everyone'e sluggish, I have a sore throat, and no one wants to be there. And Susan was there too.

It was nice to be observed. Because often I feel like if I do a bad job, no one cares, because it's just me and the kids in a room together, and the magic potion smoke doesn't leave the door. So it was nice to have someone on the inside with me, just watching.

It was also fun to bomb a lesson that I knew in advance had slim chances of working with both her and the principal there. Brownie points that I figured out what to do in hindsight, but it's ok, I'll just re-teach it another day. Tomorrow I'm totally going out on a limb and taking them outside to play a crazy game, I'll let you know how that goes. Kinesthetic learning and the need for fun and play, you know.

I'm a first year teacher, but I'm past the first clueless month. I feel like I've pretended to be in charge for a while now, and most of the time I actually feel it. I don't have moments so often where I feel completely lost, and I feel in my skin that I'm learning to roll with the punches.

Last funny story: In the middle of the class period that bombed because I was trying to do too much at once, in walks the insurance guy to set up a meeting with me. I'm talking to the class, and he just comes in and starts asking me when we can talk. I had no idea how to get him out of there without being rude, and I didn't want to lost the class' attention.. It was a good thing the principal was there, and shooed him out of the room and told him to come back later. He felt bad, ok, but who walks in to teacher's classrooms in the middle of the period and just starts talking like that?

Motzai Shabbos

Eating popcorn, grading papers I didn't finish on Friday, and writing a lesson worksheet about Rebbi (Yehuda HaNasi). I don't have all the books I need, so I'm waiting for a fax from my parents with the text.. And this is after I bought all those books in Israel...

Still on my "I have no life" kick, lol.

Friday, and I've got a lot to do...

After school, Friday afternoon, 1/2 an hour before Shabbos.

I am grading papers. A lot of papers. No one ever told me how long it would take, and how you have to do it if you do independent work if you want to keep them serious. On the first assignment I made the mistake of giving them all A's, since I didn't want to take those hours to do all that grading, but the quality went down, and I've learned my lesson.

So I'm thinking I have to actually grade..

Back to school night was awesome. I taught the parents about Rabbi Yochanan and Resh Lakish. In other words, I showed them, not told them, and from the way they were nodding and smiling, I think they enjoyed!

One parent said to me, "I want to see your driver's licence. How old are you?"
Me: "Oh, I'm 16 and absolutely unqualified."
Parent: "So this is your first year teaching?"
Me: "Don't tell your kid anything of the sort, ok?"

Afterwords I was on such a high, I stayed up late and then overslept through my alarm, etc.

I have to get a life...

Here's to the long weekend, my first official school vacation (some of my students are going to Hawaii etc, the rest have swine flu, and I am somewhere in the middle with just a prayer that I will not grade all weekend).

For my readers, who are reticent to comment as of yet-- what are you doing this weekend? Anything that beats the Caribbean? Well, have fun, everyone!

And the real beginning

Welcome to Wednesday, Week 4, this version of the blog is officially going public and I am officially going to bed before 8pm...

Btw, you might think it's odd that all my posts so far are at 8:18pm. The secret -- I uploaded them from my private blog, and that was the default timestamp. I know. Creepy. Complain to Blogger, not me, if you care...

Haven't written in a while...

I haven't written in a while because I wonder sometimes if anyone will read this, or care. I know that my fellow students are having their first days this week, and remembering what it was like to be a virgin. I feel like I've been working, been in school, for ages. I feel like it is my home and my entire life, and that I have nothing else on top of that.

But I also feel like I have no life, and I want you to know not to let it consume you. I know that it's really hard to have something else in your life when you have lessons to write and places to be every hour, every period, every minute. But I'm not really that busy every second, (except for on Fridays with my 5 in a row) and the rest of the time I wish I knew people who did have lives so that when I finished my work in the evenings I would have someone to talk to, or even do stuff with.

Susan is coming to visit me on Tuesday, and I am glad I already have some stuff planned.

Wish me luck with back-to-school night, I am going to NOT tell the parents I am 23, and I AM going to teach them some of the Torah their darlings learned in the first week of school. I want them on board, and while I don't know a lot about their kids yet, I do know that I want them to know that I can do this and that I care.

Scared

I was so nervous today, to see them all in school when they knew I had gotten suspended some of their friends. I'm not happy at all it happened on my watch; in fact, I'm really sad. But everyone else thinks its about time, is happy all day, and I can't say anything.

What I don't know is how I'm going to navigate Thursday when they are back with me and when I have them all again. I pray that they will be like my other classes, who are getting quieter faster finally, and for whom some of the recess-losing seems to finally be working.

Suspended

5 of my students.

One called me by my first name, 4 were generally disrespectful of me, my class, the subject, etc. I don't feel at all bad about the first one, but a little about the other 4, who I couldn't even tell them the words that they said and the things that they did exactly. What none of them know is that the administration wanted to suspend the whole class, but I asked them to back down and just do the one kid who was absolutely not ok.

I felt bullied, today and the other days that we start class that way. But I feel like I have to figure out a way to teach them, since these first three weeks are hard. Really hard.

They applauded me in the teachers' staff meeting, because they were so impressed I had backbone. But I don't feel like I was nearly consistent enough, or good enough, or anything enough.

At the very least, I am not letting it color the rest of my classes, which I have been having a good time with, and while I wish I were stronger, that I wasn't needing to fight a war, I am hoping already to just win and be done with the whole stupidity of the first few weeks...

On the other hand...

Last night I had a conversation with a veteran teacher who actually has some experience with the DD stuff and some other things and especially middle school. We talked about a lot of what I've been doing, and I started to realize that although I have been made to believe that I'm doing everything wrong, I actually seem to be doing a lot right, and that just from thinking about things, I have come up with a lot of the strategies that other teachers use all the time...

I now think that I will have them enter my classroom and have them be timed on the entrance cards, a zero for anyone who doesn't have it done in time... And maybe with grades they will be serious about being quiet and doing everything they are supposed to. I hate to motivate with grades, but my present system allows for a lot of taking advantage of me, and I have to stop that before I always have to teach in 5 minute intervals..

What isn't working

I know that I need to do goals and then assessment, and I didn't do that because I didn't realize this was a unit until I was teaching it. And then I did the unit, I need to assess it, I didn't have a main point or maybe I did, I don't know how to write the assessment, I am falling into a trap of being one of these stupid kinds of outdated teachers who just asks questions on content that they can memorize.

I can't test them without having them have seen the syllabus with the expectations for grading and without organizing them, their binders, and Edline with them.

I don't know how to introduce the students to using supplies, taking responsibility in my classroom, or even organizing their binders because I don't know how to get quiet for long enough to do it without fighting them.

I don't know how to frame a conversation on goals so that they will generate what they want to learn this year.

I don't know how to talk about rules/expectations. Actually I do but any time I start they feel like it's cheesy and I can't take myself seriously enough to get it done.

I feel like I am doing too much work because students aren't even taking responsibility for things like putting the desks back where they were when they came in. I don't know how to teach that.

I feel pressured because I am supposed to have the syllabus and expectations/rules and also the goals all done by next Wednesday because that's the day we have open house with parents. I am also supposed to have started my next unit by then so it doesn't get broken up between the Chagim, and in between I haven't done any of this, I still have to do all the logistics for them which means I'm working too hard for no reason since they are in 7th or 8th grade, they do badly with the small set of procedures I have taught them, and I have to give a test on this badly deigned unit that I have taught without planning.

I don't know how to teach a lesson on procedures. All these people saying "just teach it" or "model it" isn't working for me. I feel stupid, they feel talked down to, and I can't seem to do it.

I don't think I have enough time to do all of these things and get them into a lesson when it takes 30 minutes to get quiet and when I don't have enough time to do anything while I endlessly wait for quiet.

We can't use the quiet signal anymore, so that reduces me back to shouting. I can't seem to keep up with any expectations in order to keep the students feeling safe without feeling talked down to, and doing anything at this point is all about how loud I can yell. I hate that I'm becoming a monster that is exactly the kind of teacher I don't want to be.

What's Working

3:15 pm. The middle of office hours. I brought computers today, and said that when they're done with their homework, they could go online.

This morning I had 4 periods where we did independent work and I demanded complete silence in the room while we did it. It was really hard for me to get silence, and by the time I got it quiet, it was already time for the bell to ring.

But I really don't believe in quiet. Or, I believe in quiet, but not absolute silence. Right now they are all talking quietly, playing on the computer, and doing homework. They're working so well together that I don't want the bell to ring, and it isn't quiet. I'm happy for the first time all day, I can see they're working really well because they're being quiet, and I wonder why this needs to be different from a class period where I ask for silence. Maybe I have to know that I can have them be quiet, so I have to have them be quiet for the first 6 weeks so they can learn, but I want to build them until they can do it all by themselves, until they can feel safe and structured not in perfect silence, and until I can get a good tone going.

8D, by the way, is my favorite class. They're the ones that all have special needs, where I have in-class support, and where no one believes they can do anything. I expect them to be able to learn independently by the end of the year. No one believes that they can. But I am sure they can, and they can do it well.

Snow Day!!!

A sewer pipe broke, and we got to go home as soon as we got there. It felt like Heaven to have a day off that I didn't have to spend planning or doing something useful during.

We watched a movie, hung out, did stuff (me and the other young teacher) and in general had the best day I've had in I don't even know how long. I don't even remember the last time I wasn't nervous, and it felt awesome. Absolutely Heaven.

Shabbos

I slept the entire Shabbos. Well, I went to dinner, and to lunch, actually, but I slept like a rock the rest of the time. I barely even woke up when it was over. And then I just went back to sleep. All the exhaustion of the whole week of stress just caught up to me. But I think this week will be better. Or at least, I hope it will.

I figured a bunch of things out, like how to start off firm. I'm still working on how to stay firm for more than 5 minutes when I actually don't want to be, and how to enforce the hand-up-mouth-shut policy when I'm the only teacher that takes it seriously.

But I'm in a million times better shape than I was in this time last week, and I know now that it is going to be hard, but also that it's something I am going to learn how to do until the end of the year, and that's exciting.

In Nano (novel writing month) there are four weeks:

1 -- where it all seems easy and exciting and new
2 -- where it's impossible and you just want to cry and stop
3 -- where it turns possible again
and 4 -- where the ending writes itself and you are along for the ride

I'm firmly into "week 1" of teaching now. I know it will get hard, but I also know that I'm committed, and that the ending will be awesome and the ride will be great.

Who's excited?!

Better

Today I felt grinningly good about. I kept 7A in at recess. I told them if they wasted my time, I would take theirs, and then I proceeded to teach through recess. Everyone says it will make them behave better tomorrow. I am not convinced, but I do think that its nuts to keep in a class on the third day, that all the other classes are terrified of me, and that maybe this made them be able to tell something, I'm not sure what.

I'm having a hard time getting right the student-teacher dynamic at lunch, advisory, and each class, and figuring out when to act what way in order to set the right tone. I terrified two of my classes by starting out really firm and strong, by making them wait in the hall until I was ready for them, and I'm getting used to the way that feels, but not liking it.

I fell into the trap of over-estimating my highest class because I knew they were high, and my lowest class because I knew they were low. Nobody should tell me those things, because honestly I did the same exact thing with 6 classes and the ones who did the best, were the most thoughtful, and got the most out of it were the low level classes, not the ones everyone thinks are smart.

I got to school at 6:40. And now I've stopped moving, realized I have a lesson already for tomorrow, and started to get that I'm exhausted and need a break and am thinking of skipping dinner and everything and just going to bed now until morning.

The Problem

At the end of the day I figured it out.

They don't need just modeling about how to behave, they need to learn a lesson that teaches them that being independent adults is our goal for them, that we actually care as teachers, and that care means limits.

The fact that none of that was said is not me, and the fact they didn't listen when I asked for quiet is not me. I didn't feel beaten, just stressed, and certainly not like a failure.

Now I am frantic, planning a whole new unit on "How to be Independent".

Double uggh.

First Day Part 1

It was ok until the 8th graders came in 5th period, all riled up from having to behave for the first 4 periods, and I had to spend the whole period on getting their binders set up and all the things that went with that. I did it for my advisory, and it sucked that I had to do it again after during the next class for another class, and that it took all that time for no good reason. I want the chairs to stay there, and I know that whatever I tell them is totally not going to happen, and I also know that I'm doing pretty well for first time, first year, and this much chaos. And there is a mess in my room, now, and I had no idea what to do for recess or lunch, but I did fine anyway, and duties don't start yet in any case, so it's all ok. Eat well during lunch, that's what I've learned so far...

And on to 7th period and 7th grade. They all suck at listening to each other. I hope to teach them to listen better.

And I want to work on using something that might actually work through DD, I am hoping I have a fair sporting chance...

Organization

So I am all ready for my first day.

I have 3 binders, one for 7th grade, one for 8th grade, and one for my Advisory (Homeroom) with a divider for each kid and papers in each section ready and waiting for comments about them. I intend to write a note about each one and stick it to the pages, sometime in the first 2 weeks.

I have 2 binders, known as the "Master Copies", one for each grade, where I will keep a copy of each worksheet I hand out so they can compare their binders whenever they want to get organized with their papers.

I have 2 binders, one for each grade, with my lesson plan followed by a sheet protector with the photocopied worksheets, so I will know what I am handing out, when and to whom.

I have a clipboard for taking notes on, a binder with the rules of the school and my schedule, and a folder of forms I have to fill out before the end of the week (w4, i9 etc).

All in all, I think I'm ready!

The thing I did right

I did something awesome at open house today.

A parent, who had not come for the required intake conference, walked in with his son to see the room and get the locker combination, etc.

In a flash of brilliance I asked him to stay because I wanted to speak to him, plopped him down at the table, and had my intake conference right then and there, with other parents waiting outside, etc. At the end he told me that he never came to a conference because his son did well, and I said I wanted that to change since it's important for parents to hear that their kid does well straight from my mouth. He nodded; I doubt he agreed, though, and left.

I was really proud of myself for thinking fast to ask him to do that, for acting like my made-up ideas were school expectations, for being the first one to have ever conferenced with this man, and for telling him what I wanted as a requirement, not a request. And I hope that his kid gets to actually get some attention this year.

Pictures!

My classroom, and how it looks before the first day of school--



Desks arranged in a U so everyone can see everyone (and because we're learning about the Sanhedrin)



Some of the beautiful bulletin boards I worked so hard to put up (waiting to be filled with student work, etc)



The neat supply closet (otherwise known as "Beit Kalba Savua", because he had enough food to supply Jerusalem under siege for about as long as I have pencils to supply my class in that closet)



And my break area, waiting for all the fun projects we're going to do (I named the rug Beit Alpha because the mosaic was as pathetic as my rug)

Looking forward to a great year!

The thing they didn't tell us

They didn't tell us that pre-planning week is called "HellWeek" for a reason. They didn't tell us that it's overwhelming to set up a classroom, and it takes more than a week of nights and Sunday. They didn't tell us that you get points in the real world for confronting when you need to talk about something, and they certainly didn't tell us the principal was actually going to expect you to be an adult, and still be happy when you are. They didn't tell us about all-nighters even before school starts, and they certainly didn't tell us how to organize a file for each kid, and how to keep it in a locked cabinet even though your school's all hippie.

But most of all, they didn't tell us that we are trained better than two generations of co-workers, and that while we are being humble all day about how much we have to learn, we should also smile with pride at starting in a place that will let us make a huge difference.

Oh yeah, and they didn't tell us about PTSA giving out chocolate, either.

Pre-Planning and Coddling

Today was the first day of pre-planning/orientation for teachers. I was happy that I knew almost half of the names, since I went to the seminar two weeks ago. A long day of administrative details said enough times that even I understand them followed. They made us new teachers introduce ourselves in front of the group and embarrassed us to death because they're so excited about us.

Which brings me to the first problem I have as a new teacher.

I like that they are supportive. I appreciate that they all want to help me, and want me to do well. I am grateful they want to help me put up my bulletin boards and posters and meet with me to talk about my curriculum. I even appreciate that they gave me a curriculum, so as to make sure I won't get lost in November when the first-year blues hit.

BUT

First year teachers come with a million ideas for how to do things new ways. I can't sleep at night, thinking a mile a minute about all the ways I can make this year the best on ever, this subject the best one ever, for my advisory students and my seventh grade and my eighth grade and my remedial class. I can't stop thinking and dreaming. I also can't stop memorizing --new policies and procedures and carpool zones and names of secretaries. I was overwhelmed my first week, and I will be again next week when the kids come. But for right now, I'm flying.

And that's why when a new Mishna-head comes along with 100% socialized curriculum boks, saying we aren't allowed to deviate from the lesson plans in the book, and we have to teach memorizing even though the school, and my education, don't think it's fair to grade something not everyone can do, and we have to test standardized and put up their posters and not do anything else, all year, I just feel cramped. I believe in the goals of the book. I just think that my personality might want to write some lesson plans that aren't about the sacredness of the Mishna as G-d's word but are more about people who lived in the time of the Mishna and how the rules affected their lives. And that's in the book. I don't want to skip or to change anything. I just want to be trusted that my education was sound, and that I will figure it out, that at least some of my ideas will work, and that when the others don't I will ask for help and figure it out. I am finding a way to be assertive enough to say when I don't need the help, without hurting but also without letting myself be treated like I'm a kid.

And let me tell you, my first day of parent-teacher intake conferences was difficult to do in a room that doesn't look beautiful like some of the others, but except for one parent (the first), I was treated with total teacher-awe. I'm learning that I do look the part, and that even if I don't, it's pretty clear that I'm serious the minute I open my mouth.

Going to have to do something about the white lie of "Sure, I taught some last year", though I don't want to tell parents I'm totally green or I'll never keep it a secret from the kids like they all tell me to. It's a good thing we had student teaching...

On bulletin boards (for a week)

A week gone by, in which I did not finish setting up my classroom, but I made a good start. They say it looks empty because I haven't accumulated any stuff yet, and I feel like that's a good thing. The room is clean and empty, waiting for the new year to start. I'm hoping the students will actually want to put stuff on the walls. If not, that's what they have portfolios and I have posters for. It says in the Developmental Designs book that 8th grade is a really private year, but I hope at least some of them will come out of their shells enough to engage me.

I am worried about discipline, management, and all that stuff, of course, but all the teachers on my floor were taking bets that I wouldn't have any trouble just because I would be fun and engaging and they would want to shut up and listen to me. I am praying that's true, but also seeing my "teacher walk" start to come in and knowing that I do have more than enough stage presence when I need it, and that despite what two years of people at Pardes and a seminar with Lisa Lahey say, I do act plenty loud and plenty assertive when I'm the one in charge and I need to make things work. And I am thankful every day for a school that wants to build me up, and believe in me, instead of tearing me down and saying all the time how hard it's going to be.

Another day

Today we did not learn more things that overwhelmed me, since I know how to make lessons already, and we planned a lesson for something I had already started doing, namely giving options. When I have things in hand I feel more confident, and when I have a game and am told that I can "use that" I get more nervous. Since I don't have the picture of previous experience to go on, I feel like I have to have a picture of what everything will look like before I do it, or else I feel completely paralyzed and unsafe. I understand that that's what a curriculum is for, so that you don't get lost along the way, but mine isn't the most helpful in that regard. I hope I can get my classroom together enough, and figure out which way is up, before school starts.

From one of our viewers on what I posted last time, and my answer below:


The language of self-differentiation doesn't sound that different from what we talk about when we say differentiation. Maybe that's because I have a strong association in my mind of using differentiation to help kids learn how to self-differentiate - the more we can help kids realize how they learn and what their strengths are, the better we serve them. And if this is 'post-UbD' classroom - what do they consider outdated about UbD? What are the primary differences - such that you wish Pardes would give us this theory to supplement UbD? Or is it just for the specific forms?

None of it is actually much different. Just the theory words and the forms are.

The big difference really is that the lesson is not the main thing, like in Ubd. The lesson is serving a higher goal, which is social learning, done by building community and only then teaching content. Thus "Teaching Tanach"'s method of coming in on the first day and teaching, and thereby showing that the content is important, would not be permitted. The first ten days all you can do is play games and build community half the time, and the other half spend modeling every behavior in the schoolday from walking in the halls to sharpening pencils, so that you teach good behaviors. Then you start teaching content, and when the students forget, you remodel or at least remind them of the modeling. They believe in sweating the small stuff, batttling everything (we learned to pick our battles), and be consistent, both in your class and across classes. That's because they believe that little things are what builds community, and that students can't be safe if someone is tapping their pencil and you don't allow that in your class.

I think what Pardes should have taught us was that behavior has to be a part of teaching, not something that gets in the way of teaching, but a huge indicator of the needs of students that your teaching has to address. I think also teaching us a language to use while re-directing students to work, such as "I've noticed you are not writing. If you keep this up you will not finish in the time limit, and we agreed as a class that work has to be finished. What can you do to get back on track?" instead of telling us that those of us with good teacher-stares are fortunate, and the less assertive ones, like me, 'will just have a hard time finding your sea-legs'. That person like me, who notices everything but has never wanted to be forceful and yell about it can thrive in an atmosphere where I never am expected, or even allowed, to judge a student or his behavior, and where we don't punish but rather re-direct. It would have been valuable to talk about how to stay objective and reflective when you're frustrated, and how managing a class is not a necessary evil but a golden opportunity to build a safe haven for students.


In other news, I learned today yet another thing I wish Pardes would have taught us-- how to put up a bulletin board. Mine looks like a cow chewed the paper, and I will hopefully post pictures tomorrow. But I have to say that the way my room looks, I am quite embarrassed right now. I know new things come slowly, but I wish we could have imagined our classrooms, talking about more than desk arrangements, and just done enough thinking so I don't wonder how soon my room can get a makeover...

The Newly-Married

She's nice, the other new girl. She's prettier than me, only a year older, and the most important part, not still in her first year. I think we will be friends, since we laugh well together. Or at least I hope we will be.

Now I'm tired since I spent two hours talking to her instead of going home and taking my nap and I will, I WILL, find a schedule that works and that I can handle, and manage all this, I will. And hopefully soon.

Virginity

I felt like today was the initiation rites into a large cult of education that may or may not be practiced in the real world. We have a week-long seminar in Responsive Classroom, which is a pretty package that is a lot of UbD, kitchy games to build community in a middle school, and some very odd "forms".

At first I was overwhelmed at all the new things to learn, and not a tiny bit resentful that I had been having my brains stuffed with differentiation and goal-setting and most of all reflective teaching for 2 years now, only to be handed a very thick book and a week of new learning and be told that everything I've learned until now is outdated.

But then, after talking to the other teachers, I saw that they were resentful for all the new "teacher language" and the things that they hadn't been able to pull off or take seriously last year, and was told that I was really ahead, since making lessons interesting and relevant is all we've talked about in ages, and most of the teachers are just learning now how to do that. They've replaced all the talk about differentiated process and product with talking about giving students options and letting them self-differentiate, Ubd lesson plans with "planning, work and reflection" charts, and, in the most radical change of all, gone from the stat of 40% of students being auditory, 40% visual, and 20% kinesthetic, to "most" students visual, "many" students kinesthetic, and "few" students auditory, thus making my own personal style of learning rare and mostly obsolete (focusing on written and modeled instructions and not speaking them at all to not add to the too-many words that teachers already say each day). I guess I don't mind. Learning new things every day is healthy, having my mind and world turned upside down will keep me humble about my new-teacher status, and having too many terms for the same ideas seems to be an important step in becoming self-authoring.

I'm going to be like Rashi and not give my mission statement for this blog until at least chapter 3 verse 8, even though responsive classroom says to "get skin in the game" the first day and make goals in the first ten minutes, but the most important thing I learned today is that teaching is supposed to keep you on your toes, never quite sliding into comfortable. Speaking of which, my favorite new form so far is having a "Take A Break" chair, where students (and occasionally the teacher) can go to regain self-control, while still sort of remaining part of the class. (It's a comfy place off to the side but still facing the class, where students can sit for 2 minutes, by teacher's or their own request, not talking, when they feel out of control.)

And the real last thing is that I wish Pardes would teach this, just like Delet, so I would not be swimming in a theory that they actually would have really liked us to have.

In other news, I have a classroom, all mine for just my classes, and I want to try out my crazy desk arrangement, provided my promised new trapezoidal tables show up sometime before the students do (2 weeks from today). I'll post pics of my bulletin boards once they're up, of course :-).

I think that's all for today, going to take the first of my regularly-scheduled before dinner naps now, but I'll write again tomorrow, of course.